What to do when your friend is infertile

I'm really not a fan of the magazine "Today's Christian Woman." Um...at all. BUT, I happened across an article about Christians dealing with infertility, and this little bit stood out to me. So many people don't know what to say to a friend who has dealt with pregnancy loss or infertility, so they either say nothing, or they say something unintentionally hurtful. I know that before I had been through this, I probably said some really stupid things to people, and I had friends that were hurting, but I didn't know how to be there for them. On the other hand, I have so appreciated my friend Carrie...she has been down the miscarriage road, and she understands that nothing anyone can say will make it hurt less. So she simply says, "I love you." It is just about the most honest thing you can say to someone going through this. So...if you know someone dealing with infertility or loss, these suggestions may be helpful:

5 Ways to Help a Hurting Friend

• Give lots of hugs. Almost always, a hug is better than words.
• Write notes of encouragement. The simple notes of support I received after my miscarriage meant so much! They also provided an unexpected bridge into the lives of friends who'd suffered similar losses. I still take out the cards and letters and re-read them when I'm feeling down.
• Acknowledge the loss. Author Rebecca Faber, in A Mother's Grief Observed, comments on people's tendency to avoid talking about painful things. In the months following the death of her toddler, William, she found that people were afraid to mention his name. One friend explained why: If Rebecca had momentarily forgotten the pain, they didn't want to make her feel bad again. She writes, "What people forget is that you never forget. The grief is always in your face, always there. It's far better for them to speak and show they care." The flip side of this is to be sensitive to avoid such phrases as "At least now you know you can get pregnant!" "Those statements are anything but comforting to grieving parents," says Jennifer Saake, founder of Hannah's Prayer. "In fact, any statement containing an 'at least … ' sentiment is inappropriate because you're minimizing another's pain. Simply say, 'I'm sorry you're having to go through this.'"
• Be selective in sharing your story. After my miscarriage, it seemed that almost every woman I knew told me that she, too, had experienced a miscarriage. In a way, that was encouraging; it showed me I wasn't alone. But frankly, when people with broods of healthy children told me about the miscarriages they'd had years ago, it was little comfort to me right then. There may be times when your story will help your friend—but don't automatically assume she wants to hear it.
• Be sensitive to her feelings if you become pregnant or adopt a child. When my friend Becky became pregnant not long after my miscarriage, she knew it could be difficult for me. I so appreciated her loving gesture of telling me her exciting news before making it public. While it was hard to watch Becky's belly expand during the following months, her sensitivity to my feelings made such a difference in my ability to cope with it. Now that she has a healthy son, she allows me to set the pace in interacting with him, knowing some days it's fine, and other days it hurts. Don't take it personally if sometimes your infertile friend simply can't bear to be around you and your little bundle of joy.

Be careful, too, about complaining. It's natural to joke about the trials and tribulations of motherhood—morning sickness, potty training, and all the rest. But remember, your good-natured banter might be painful to a friend who longs for a child.